CC's Pink Apartment

Waking up

2012-02-15T18:41:00.000-08:00

I had a fairly huge revelation in therapy this week: Jerry is kind of an ass. I've always thought he was a nice guy who had his quirks and issues, just like anyone else, and that the nice guy has slowly, steadily been taken over by the alcoholism. The more I see, and the more I reflect on past behaviors, though, the more I've come to realize that he's not the nice guy I always thought, and not all of the things he has done and continues to do are because of the alcohol. They're because of his personality. He's not a monster or anything, but he's kinda selfish, kinda jerky...kinda teenager-y, really. I've been clinging so tightly to the idea that "my" Jerry is in there somewhere, but I'm starting to realize that "my" Jerry doesn't really exist. I've brushed off or rationalized some of his behaviors in the past, but I don't know that I'm willing to continue to do so in the future. I'm thinking this could be a big step toward letting go and taking some of the actions I'm inevitably going to have to take.

I've been attending Al-Anon meetings for several months (I think I can tell you that...I'm mostly anonymous here, right? I don't really know what the social media and Al-Anon rules are. There probably aren't any, so I'm probably fretting for nothing). Anywho, a big thing the program teaches is letting go of control. This...is not my thing. I like control. A lot. I've been making huge progress in not trying to control Jerry or his actions any more, but I'm still refusing to release the tight control I have over myself.

Another major component of the program is talking to other members about your stories and situations and working through problems with someone else. And I can't do it. I go to meetings and I talk to the others while I"m there, but I just can't make the phone calls I need to make to start building deeper, more helpful, relationships with some of the other members. After the meeting this week, it came to me that I was refusing to really get into my story with these other people because giving away that knowledge is giving away the last bit of control I feel like I have over the alcoholism. The first thing you have to do to make this program work is admit that you're powerless over alcohol. I think my unwillingness to share with other members - to admit that I'm "like them" and I need what their program is offering (even when it's painfully obvious that I am like them and do need this program) - is the last thing that's preventing me from truly admitting my powerlessness over alcohol.

So, my project over the coming days is to work on giving up control of my story (to some extent) and making the telephone connections I need to make. No matter how painful it is for me.

Ugh, growing up is hard! Never thought I'd be whining about that so long after my teenage years.

The reality of alcoholism

2012-01-14T21:01:00.000-08:00

There were a couple of comments on my last post that I feel compelled to respond to. Before I start, I want to say that I'm not angry or being judgy and I'm hoping this doesn't come across that way. I just want to explain my perspective of the situation, which comes from the sober half of an alcoholic marriage.

One of the comments made suggested that I need to talk to Jerry and do something about stopping his drinking and/or stopping him from driving while drunk. God bless this woman, but it seems clear from her comment that she's never had to deal with an alcoholic (either that, or her alcoholic was very, very different from mine. I don't know her story).

Alcoholism is a disease of denial. This is a truth that I have been working very hard to accept. No matter how much evidence you put in front of an actively drinking alcoholic, he either doesn't see how bad things are or rationalizes the proof away. The more the sober person tries to prove that the drunk is a drunk, the more irrational the sober person's behavior becomes, and the crazier the sober person looks. In the end, the sober person ends up looking like the "bad guy" to the alcoholic, and sometimes to the world.

Over the years, I've talked to Jerry about his drinking dozens of times. Prior to my second (mega big surprise) pregnancy, his drinking wasn't nearly as bad as it is now, and he actually listened and responded to my complaints. He would cut back on his drinking for a while, and even quit on occasion (I think the longest he was sober was 10 days), but he would always revert back to drinking like he did before our conversations. After my pregnancy with B, he gets mad if anyone implies he has a drinking problem (I like to think this is because he knows it's true, but who knows). I've talked to him, and it just pissed him off. Our marriage counselor talked to him, and it just pissed him off.

I've also tried to show J just how much he's drinking. I've kept track of beers drank in an evening, a day, and a week. I've shown him how much he's spending on beer. I've told him about things he's done while drinking that he probably doesn't remember. None of it makes a difference. I don't know what goes on in his head, but I guess that he somehow convinces himself that I'm lying, or exaggerating, or misreading, or something. My "proving" his alcoholism also leads him to try to hide his drinking. He'll throw cans in the trash under other things instead of putting them in the recycling bin. He's hidden cans in a storage room. He tries to cover the sound of a can popping open. He mostly drinks in the garage, and will have a couple of beers before walking in the door when he gets home.

Part of the problem in an alcoholic relationship is that the sober one obsesses about the alcoholic's drinking, and does whatever she can to control it. But the thing is, you can't control another person's behavior, whether that person is an alcoholic or not. A part of my own healing since I had my big crisis period last June has been working on my half of this alcoholic marriage. A big part of that healing includes letting go of the illusion that I can control Jerry's drinking. I can't. I can't control his drinking any more than I can control how the guy in the next lane over drives, or how the cashier at the store rings up my groceries. I can respond to it, but I can't control it. The only thing I can control is me. This is a hard, hard truth to live. Controlling J's drinking and making it go away would make my life a billion times easier. I would do it in a heartbeat if I could. But I've tried in the past, and it's only made things worse. So I continue to try to let go of that illusion of control and focus on my responses. It doesn't work ~~most~~ some of the time, but I keep trying.

Another commenter suggested that I anonymously report J to the cops the next time he's out driving drunk. While this would probably be the noble thing to do, I just can't do it. Doing so would bring a slew of unwanted consequences into my life. While it is Jerry's behavior that would get him into trouble and theoretically Jerry who would suffer the consequences of his actions, I would end up suffering the consequences at least as much as he. I'll be the one responsible for making sure he gets to work every day, even though his hours and locations are far from compatible with mine. And that's assuming he doesn't lose his job because of a DUI. I'll be the one at least partially responsible (fully responsible, if he loses his job) for paying the attorney fees, court costs, fines, increased insurance premiums, and everything else that comes with a DUI. I'll be the one who has to go bail him out of jail. And after all of this, there's no guarantee that he'll open his eyes to his drinking problem. These costs are nothing compared to the costs to another driver's family, if Jerry were to hit and kill someone, but these are real, concrete consequences that will directly affect me and that I don't need or want to deal with. Is this line of thinking selfish? Probably. But sometimes you need to take care of and protect yourself.

And guilt. "Letting" him get in his car after he's been drinking makes me feel guilty. I know if he hurt someone while driving drunk, I would feel guilty for not stopping him (ignoring that I cannot, in fact, control him or stop him from doing anything). Not accepting guilt for Jerry's problems is something that I've been working on in counseling for a long time. I'm not the one who is drinking. I'm not the one who is wasting money the family needs on alcohol. I'm not the one putting others at risk when I get in the car. And I'm not the cause of his drinking. But I feel guilty for all of these things anyway. Particularly about the upswing in his drinking since I got pregnant with B. The pregnancy was unexpected and an extra strain on top of a difficult first baby. I suffered horrid prenatal depression that continued well into the post-partum period. My mental health deteriorated to a scary point, and I was fairly worthless around the house and in the childcare department. As all of these things were going on with me, his drinking continued to get worse. In my mind, that created a pretty concrete cause-and-effect. As I got sicker, he drank more. Therefore, me being unwell was the direct cause of his increased alcohol intake. While I'm sure the stress of dealing with his wife's mental illness was one of the factors in his continued and increased drinking, I know it wasn't the only one. And even if it was, I didn't get sick on purpose, I didn't stay sick on purpose, and I didn't make everyone's life more difficult on purpose. I know all of this in my head, but accepting it in my heart is difficult.

The things I have to keep reminding myself of are "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it," and "the consequences are his to suffer." When I get angry at J for his drinking, or am having a difficult time remembering that alcoholism is a disease and he's very sick, I like to think of alcoholism as akin to heart disease. If J had heart disease that he knew about, but chose to deny the existence of and not to treat, would my anger or nagging or bitching or reminding him of the consequences of not treating it do anything to change his mind and make him seek treatment? Not likely. Would you respond well to someone harassing you about a health problem you don't want or aren't ready to deal with? Not likely. It's the same with alcoholism. I know it's hard for people to think of alcoholism in this way because it looks like a choice. But J's brain chemistry is so messed up that drinking isn't a choice for him any more. It's a compulsion that he obviously doesn't have control over. I try to remember and try to treat him accordingly, but it's so, so hard. So hard.

So. There are my responses to my commenters. Thank you, Mary Kate and Anon., for bringing up these points. It was cathartic for me to get some of this out. I hope I addressed everything respectfully. I did my best. And I hope that this gave all of my readers a little bit more perspective on what it's like to be married to an alcoholic.

Not liking the odds

2012-01-06T19:47:00.000-08:00

If I were a betting girl, which I'm not really (with the exception of the occasional scratch-off lottery ticket, of course), I would put money on the fact that my husband will soon come home (or, more accurately, call me from jail) with his first DUI. I'm also willing to bet it will be on a night like this one, where he makes a beer run at 10:30 after drinking at least since he got home from work, probably around 4:00. And I'd bet that it happens somewhere on the less-than-a-mile roundtrip to the grocery store.

Some nights, I really hate him. Ok, probably not hate. But despise, pity, and resent, for sure. I hate being the only one who's willing to do anything to help our marriage; one spouse can't fix the spouses as a unit. I'm doing all I can for ME, trying to bring a better me to the unit, but that alone won't make a better us. I just want to quit trying. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, no matter what I do or don't do. My marriage is shit, my husband is drinking away a not-insignificant portion of our income (that he thinks he's concealed from me...boy ain't that smart sometimes. I always end up finding the things he's hiding, no matter what they are, and usually not because I'm snooping. He's just that terrible at hiding stuff), my financial life is a disaster, my children drain, stress, and pain me far more than they bring me joy (I'd say it's about 98% to 2%), my mental health is still a mess, no matter why I try or what I do, and it seems to be either compounding or deteriorating. I'm not sure which.

I'm just so done with all of this. So done. Anyone have a fairy godmother they can loan me to come in and magically clean up the heaping shit pile I've made of my life? Please?

No easy way out

2011-12-29T19:12:00.000-08:00

Over the past year or so, I've made some...questionable money management decisions (to put it very nicely). As way of background, one of my coping mechanisms when I get really depressed is to shut down and quit doing all the daily activities I need to be doing. Like paying bills, for example. And no one else in the household *ahem* steps up to take care of these things for me when I am incapable of doing them myself, so the problems just compound.

Several times over the past year, my questionable financial choices have come to light and bitten me in the ass. One of those times was yesterday. I got it taken care of, but I figured Jerry would be super pissed at me. He clams up when he's angry, so I figured I had a good two or three days of silence from him. If I'm being honest, I was really hoping after the kids went to bed that he'd sit me down and tell me he couldn't deal with me any more and wanted a divorce. It would have made things so much easier for me, even if it did accelerate my getting out timetable by a few months.

That didn't happen. Instead, he tells me how much he loves me, how he signed up for better or for worse, blah, blah, blah. All the things a normal wife would want to hear after really messing up. Something is truly wrong with me because I didn't want to hear those things. And I'm not at all upset that he's mad at me. Or about the situation blowing up like it did. The only part of the whole thing that upset me was the fact that I had to put my Christmas and birthday money - that I was planning to save for a new laptop - toward fixing the problem. I cried over losing my laptop, but not over making my husband so mad, or embarrassing myself, or causing even more financial stress. Nope. Just over the laptop that is not meant to be. Talk about effed up priorities.

Part of the problem right now, I think, is that my meds aren't quite right. I've moved back into the not feeling anything realm. Nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me sad. My only expression of emotion is through crying, and that only seems to happen when I'm frustrated (see, the laptop. See, also, suggestion from a friend that Jerry and I do something that would help our situation, which I've been trying to get him to do for months and months). I see my psychiatrist in 13 days, so I guess I just deal with it until then.

A couple of randoms

2011-12-27T19:31:00.001-08:00

1. I read a thought-provoking blog post today about choosing different life paths. Thinking about my options made me sad because my alternate paths seem like far better choices that wouldn't have left me in the mess I'm in. If only, right?

2. My sisters-in-law are masterful at excluding me from their weddings. The older one I kind of get (we weren't engaged or married yet, just dating for four years and living together), but the way she did it was really bitchy. Now the younger one has jumped on the bandwagon for her wedding in June. Honestly, it hurts my feelings.

3. If he thinks he's getting birthday sex tonight, he's crazy.

Some of the story

2011-12-23T21:19:00.000-08:00

Now that I have some uninterrupted internet time, I can finally start unraveling the mess that is my life. Most of this post is going to be about my husband. Before I begin, I want to say that I fully acknowledge that I am partially at fault for the problems that have befallen us, and am taking responsibility for my part. I'm trying to fix both the problems I've caused and myself. I don't blame Jerry for everything. In fact, I probably blame myself for our issues more than I do him half the time.

With that preface, here goes nothing.

There are three things you need to know to understand the dynamics in my marriage right now: 1. I'm struggling to overcome a fairly severe case of post partum depression; 2. Jerry is an alcoholic who refuses to get treatment (or even admit that there is a problem); and 3. I want a divorce, which he doesn't know (well, I've never said it to him. I can't imagine that he actually doesn't know).

Jerry has had issues with alcohol throughout our marriage. Looking back now, there were signs I should have seen that should have kept me from marrying him, but that's neither here nor there. Until I unexpectedly got pregnant with our second son, things weren't too bad. I thought he drank too much a little too frequently, but it wasn't to the point that it was a daily bother. His drinking has gotten worse and worse over the past two years, to the point that he's drunk nearly all the time he's at home. The sicker I got with my depression, the more he seemed to drink. How's that for making me feel like I'm the cause of all the problems?

His drinking has led him to be dishonest about his income and the amount he keeps out of his paychecks to hide the amount he's spending monthly on beer. Despite his efforts, I know what it is, and it's an appalling amount.

In the past six to nine months or so, it's become clear that Jerry has drunk himself to the point where his personality has changed. I used to honestly be able to say that he was a sweet, wonderful, responsible man underneath the alcoholism. Now I can't. All of his redeeming qualities seem to have been drowned by booze. The level of selfishness he displays these days is maddening. Two quick examples. I was hospitalized for being suicidal. While I was there, he was far more concerned about how uncomfortable hospitals make him than he was about what was going on with me and my treatment. Once I got home, it was almost like nothing happened. After this, I joined a self help type group that meets one night a week. Jerry takes classes, and one of the classes happens to be on the same night as my group. I talked to him about finding a sitter for a couple of hours once a week so I could go to my meetings, but he hasn't helped find someone, hasn't helped find money to pay someone, and hasn't asked once about the group or how my sitter search is going.

At the lowest point of my depression, I just sort of...quit paying the bills. I couldn't make myself take care of this basic familial task. Jerry ignored my obvious lack of financial responsibility. Far more money sat in our account at any given time than should have been in there, but he didn't ask questions or take care of any bills. As you can imagine, this has wreaked havoc with our financial life. I'm trying so hard to fix the money problems I created, and I'm not getting any cooperation from the person who earns the other half of our household's income. If you've never tried this, it's not easy. When there are two adults in a home who earn and spend money, you need two adults to agree to participate in any budget or debt repayment plan that you come up with, or it's not going to work. In my house, I can only ever get one adult to agree to go along.

As I've been working on healing myself, Jerry's lack of self awareness and willingness to get help for himself and us as a couple has really been wearing on me. The night I decided I was done working to save this marriage (barring any attempt by him at recovery and repairing our relationship) was the night that I asked him if we were ever going back to marriage counseling (we went to two sessions before he cancelled and never agreed to reschedule more). His reply was a scoff, an eye roll, and a retreat to bed. That told me everything I needed to know about how much he values our marriage. Since then, I've been working toward extracting myself. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. Given our financial situation, we just can't afford it. We'll never be able to support two households.

And the most difficult thing for me is the fact that he's still (mostly) the man I married when he's sober. Or he at least acts like the man I married. It's really hard for me to reconcile the fact that sober Jerry and drunk Jerry are really the same person. I know he's sick, but I'm not willing to live my whole life with someone who completely ignores the disease that's killing him when a treatment is readily available. I can't trust him to drive anywhere, I can't trust him to watch the kids, I can't trust him to provide monetary support like he's suppose to, I can't really trust him to do anything.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I think I just needed to spill my guts to an internet full of strangers I will likely never meet. If I never meet you, I never had to see you look at me with pity or scorn. I can't talk to people I know in real life because I can't handle the judgment. It causes me to withdraw and isolate myself when I really need to reach out and connect with someone who gets it. Maybe that's all I'm here for.

That's enough for tonight. I've already been writing longer than I intended, and I'm guessing it's not very coherent (no proofreading for me tonight; it's too late and I'm tired).

Welcome to my kingdom

2011-12-03T20:42:00.001-08:00

Hello and welcome. I am Constance the Crazy, CC for short. I just discovered pink apartments, and this is clearly a space I need.

I have to say that I love how the Original Constance chose to call herself Constance the First, instead of Constance 1 or Constance A or something like that. Adding a "the _____" to a name gives it a nice, monarch-y feel. It lets me pretend I have control over my little kingdom, even when that couldn't be farther from the truth.

I chose "the Crazy" for my blank because crazy defines so much in my life right now. If I were really a monarch, I would probably Constance the Mad (or, more likely, Constance the Blind or Constance the Dead, but that's another story entirely), but I prefer the alliteration.

There is currently a lot of "OMG I NEED to write about this! But I don't want real people to know!" stuff going on, so I'll probably stop by fairly regularly.